There’s a very drunk man down my street who has been flirting with a tree for twenty minutes now.
He’s on his knees now. I think he’s proposing.
Drunk man currently walking away from the tree, shouting “YOU’RE ALL THE SAME”.
Reasons Why Sauron is Actually a Really Great Guy
Some funny edits on why Sauron is actually a really great guy by Tumblr user alpha-blaziken.
MALE GUEST: I need a massage in my room. Now.
MALE CONCIERGE: Well, we can call and make an appointment for as soon as possible. $175 for an hour. Do you have a preference of a male or female masseuse?
MALE GUEST: Female. Of course. You really have to ask that?
MALE CONCIERGE: Um, yes. Some men…
(A woman with a THICK “Lawng Island” accent comes up to the desk.)
GUEST: We want a CLASSY Broadway show. CLASSY.
CONCIERGE: Great. I might recommend—
GUEST: Like, we know theater. We’re not hicks. We’re from Long Island. Something really upscale. Not the old tourist shows.
CONCIERGE: Well, you…
GUEST: Hallo, I am sorry, my English is not very good… (starts leaning over to look around my desk)
CONCIERGE: Not a problem! What do you need?
GUEST: I am not sure the English word for this…
CONCIERGE: Business card of the hotel?
(A foreign guest approaches the desk.)
GUEST: Ehhhh, yes. Where can I get some snatch?
CONCIERGE: Can you repeat that?
GUEST: Um, ehhh. Sorry. Ummm… how do I say… I want snatch now?
CONCIERGE: One more time, can you repeat that?
GUEST: Yes. Ehhhh. Snatch now, please.
CONCIERGE: I’m not…
GUEST: Looks like kiddie day out there!
CONCIERGE: (no idea what that means) Uh-huh.
GUEST: Kiddies, kiddies, kiddies! It’s like they’d never seen anyone smoke, ya know what I mean? It’s just a cigarette, kids.
(The Concierge sees other guests waiting.)
CONCIERGE: So how can I help you?
GUEST: Excuse me, but you need to call the Airlink shuttle for us. They just dropped us off and we have a problem with the luggage.
CONCIERGE: Ok. You left a piece of luggage on there?
GUEST: Yes. We grabbed this one instead. We were in a hurry and couldn’t find our suitcase so we just grabbed…
Here’s a submission from “A” who works in the West Village.
GUEST: Hi, what’s your policy on pets in the hotel?
CONCIERGE: Well, sir, I’m happy to report that we allow dogs and cats, provided that-
GUEST: What about pigs?
CONCIERGE: (looks over desk. There is a black potbellied pig the size of a Labrador wearing a tie dye harness.)
CONCIERGE: I’m afraid not, sir.
GUEST, suddenly angry: They’re NOT allowed?
CONCIERGE: No, sir.
GUEST: This is 2014!!!!!!!!
(A married couple in their late-40’s approaches the desk.)
MAN: What’s that building we see when we look out our window?
CONCIERGE: What does it look like?
WOMAN: It’s not the Empire State Building. It’s the one when we face the window next to the bathroom.
CONCIERGE: Closer to the East River?
I love accurate deadpool cosplay gifs.
This is why we need a real R rated Deadpool movie.